Cheese - Stephen A. Roberts

My drug of choice is simply cheese
Grated in a bag just for ease
It’s the ultimate snack it
Works so well on a buttered jacket

Then at night the terrors come
Spawned by that evil cheddar crumb
Dadaist visions of flying cars
Skimming on the surface of Mars

Drowning under thick sheets of ice
Or chased and eaten by giant lice
Flying high with fantastic beasts
Soaring on the wings of my cheesy feast

Stephen A. Roberts

Image : Pixabay - Hans

Marry in Haste - Tony Gardner

She  met  him  on  a  Liner
On  a  Grecian  Islands  cruise
There beneath  soft,  starry  skies
And  quite  a  lot of  booze
They  fell  in  love one  evening
And  before  the  cruise was  done
The  Captain  of  the  ship had  spoke
Making  them  both  one
Back  at  home  cracks  soon  appeared
He  wanted  for  each  meal
Garlic  this  and  Garlic  that
Though  sick  it  made  her  feel
Then  they  were  both  invited
To  his  daughter  to  be fed
But  all  she  got  to  eat  there  
Garlic  chicken,  garlic  bread
She  couldn't  take  it  any  longer
Screaming,  out  the  house  she  ran
Straight  back  home,  she  couldn't  sleep  
And  the  murders  then  began.

Tony Gardner


Image : Pixabay - tigertravel

Baker Faker - Joan Etoile

No I did not bake that cake
It was something I didn’t make
Another elaborate culinary lie
Like the steak and kidney pie

Oh that pie was ready made
It was Bentos it was Frayed
With frozen peas and frozen mash
Ready meals are my ‘pash’

I know now it is time to confess
That the only thing I use fresh
Is sliced bread, a proper loaf
With margarine - am I an oaf?

Suit yourself with your posh grub
Please don’t take this as a foodie snub
But as you can see I’m always in the mood
For easy, tasty convenience food!

Joan Etoile


Image : Pixabay - Finn-b

February - Stephen A. Roberts

Dry January is rewarded 
with pancakes and Valentines; 
In leap years or other times. 
So should it be  
twenty-eight words or twenty-nine; 
In my February rhyme?

Stephen A. Roberts


Image : Pixabay - RitaE

Bread & Dripping - Joan Etoile

When I was young, food was an essential not a luxury 
With Occupation memories we looked forward to our tea 
We'd quietly put away our hula hoops and stop our skipping 
Then head into the parlour for some tasty bread and dripping 

Renoir voyaged to the Isle of Guernsey in 1883 
Painting rounded nudes down beside the sea 
When he’d captured all those fleshy scenes of skinny dipping  
I imagine he’d head off home for some well-earned ... 

The intrigue of Versailles got sexed up on prime-time TV 
Imagining the shenanigans in the court of Louis X one V 
But when they finished with all that bodice-ripping 
I like to think they’d round it off with some ...

In seedy old London Town, murderers added to the degradation 
Though they perpetrated foul deeds, there’s no insinuation 
That Jack the Ripper, or notorious poisoner evil Dr Crippen 
Turned their chopped up victims into human... 

The moptop Beatles wowed the screaming 60s crowds 
With their modern look and guitars playing so loud 
I’m sure that when they weren’t gigging or day tripping 
John would make them all some lovely ... 

The film Where Eagles Dare, set in World War Two 
Features Nazis, traitors and snowy mountains too 
During the cable car scene, every time so gripping  
I find myself reaching for an extra slice of... 

Of hellraising quartet, actors Burton, Reed and Harris 
O’Toole ended up in Corsica - he’d started out in Paris 
To soak up all that booze that they’d been gulping not sipping  
I bet they still had room for a round of ...

So in these times of lockdown take heart from the above 
Use the time for reflection about all the things you love 
People, places, treasured pets and sneaky afternoon kipping 
And most of all a hearty wedge of good old bread and dripping!

Joan Etoile

Image : ©Kim Connor

Safe Haven - Kathy Figueroa

The fragrance of baked apple fills the air
It’s quick, tasty, and healthy lunchtime fare
Soup made from barley, lentils, beans, and rice
Will have a good flavour, with added spice

The kitchen’s a safe haven these bleak days
As the virus mutates in scary ways
It’s better to stay home, behind closed doors
When new strains emanate from distant shores

Kathy Figueroa

Image : Pixabay - Bru-nO

Leg Of Lamb - J. Archer Avary

all I wanted
was to win
the leg of lamb
at the Saturday
meat draw
I rushed to the pub
after work
bought two strips
from the ticket man
and listened
for my numbers

the leg of lamb is
always the first to go
then the beef joint
then the gammon
then the steaks
then the whole chicken
with sausages
until the only thing left
is a package of Chinese
chicken drumsticks
then it disappears
and I feel like a loser

all I wanted
was to win the
leg of lamb
to win something
anything
so I went to the pub
next door
where numbers
are now on sale
for the next meat draw

J. Archer Avary

Junk Food Addict - Diane Scantlebury

‘Mine’s a pint’
She’ll order it without thinking,
The irony is
She shouldn’t be drinking,
Later at the chippy
She’ll order a large fish
With extra-large fries,
Her belly’s grown bigger
And so have her eyes,
She’ll swear that chocolate bars
Have got smaller,
A sad downward trend of late,
Perhaps she’ll buy two
To compensate,

They’ll be stashed
In the top cupboard
With the other guilty treats,
The crisps, cakes, pop and biscuits,
The celebration sweets,
Emergency supplies to supplement
What she thinks is the meagre
Diet of a rabbit,
Cause she’s addicted to junk food
And can’t kick the habit,

She’s surrounded
By media pressure
To be fit, to be healthy,
But she can’t afford the fancy food
Of the privileged and wealthy,
When there’s a takeaway on every corner
Maximizing temptation,
Limiting her choices,
To a junk food addict these outlets
Have seductive, louder voices,

Just one more won’t hurt
She’s no longer thinking,
If there’s two for one she’ll grab it,
Cause she’s addicted to junk food
And can’t kick the habit.

Diane Scantlebury

A Crimp In My Snacking Routine - Kathy Figueroa

Tasty barbeque chips, how I’ve craved you so!
But have had to do without, for to the store I rarely go
And honey-roasted peanuts are such a delight!
But these persistent yearnings, I’ve long had to fight

This pandemic has definitely put a crimp
In my daily snacking routine
And forced me to limit my munching
To what’s at hand, and usually green

Though nutritious wild violet leaves
Are abundant out of doors
They don’t pack the zip of a chip
Or other delicious stuff you get at the stores

Risking a brush with a coronavirus
That’s mean and highly detrimental
Inspires a certain fear
That’s primal and elemental

So, if to the supermarket,
I feel I must make a jaunt
Careful advance consideration
Is given to exactly what I want

A strategy is devised:
When will the least tourists likely be there?
Is hand sanitizer in my purse?
What sort of mask should I wear?

Shall I don the clear plastic face shield
That allows me to breathe free?
Or that paper surgical-type mask
Which fogs my glasses 'til I can barely see?

Yes, there are many details
To be given consideration and forethought
Before I head out shopping - so groceries,
Including snack food, can be safely bought.

Kathy Figueroa

Life Before Hummus - Joan Etoile

Imagine life before hummus
No olives and flatbread
No tapas or leaves
Nor ready cut veg

Fruit in their season
Then made into jam
No salami or chorizo
Just tins of spam

No more macchiatos
Back to dried tea
From India or Sri Lanka
Ceylon formerly

Tinned pineapple appeared
But just for the Queen
Mangoes and avocados
Had seldom been seen

Those were the days
When the planet was young
Was it our greed that
Made it all go wrong?

Joan Etoile

Diet Chocolate - V. Bean

Monday morning, it’s chocolate time
mustn’t forget the washing, on the line
Monday lunchtime, chocolate again
just a few squares, well, make it ten
Tuesday morning, . . chocolate . .yes
Tuesday lunchtime fish, no chocolate
Wednesday comes, I’ll have some chocolate
Teatime now. .oh look, we’ve got chocolate
Wednesday night, I had a dream about, . . .chocolate
Thursday lunchtime, we ran out of food,
but luckily, we found some chocolate.
Friday morning, a mouse in the kitchen
the little bugger was eating our chocolate
Friday evening, we caught the mouse,
let’s eat the mouse that ate our chocolate.
Saturday, fell asleep, eating my chocolate
had to wash my clothes, the chocolate melted
Sunday morning, no chocolate, on a fast . .
Sunday lunchtime, fasted 3 hours, now, . .
chocolate, at last.

V. Bean

Cheese - Gordon Zola

Roquefort, Camembert and Brie
are perfect nourishment for me.
The names themselves are poetry:
a wholly wholesome trinity.
Cholesterol, we all agree,
invades each vein or artery
and too much fat will guarantee
a waist-size notching fifty-three,
a lifetime of obesity,
a loss of spontaneity,
I’ll end up slumped on the settee,
cheesed-off with dire daytime TV
but dammit, what will be will be ...
Feed me another wedge of Brie!

Gordon Zola

Blood - Richard Fleming

A Guernseyman once told me how
Chancre crabs are caught and that
the kitchen always rings with screams
when they go in the boiling pot.

I buy my food in plastic packs:
no thought of slaughterhouse or blot
of beast’s blood on my conscience.
One day I may be judged for that.

Richard Fleming

Bread - Trudie Shannon

Today I mixed flour yeast, salt, water and a little oil
With my fingers, into a dough in a glass bowl.
Like a magician preparing transformation magic,
So that once established in its oiled tin, my dough would rise
As delicately as a child’s breast rises on every intake of breath.
I covered the tin with a cloth and left it.
With my house empty, the air quiet and still
I ventured that the yeast would work its mystifying miracle better.
Those pockets of carbon dioxide emerging like butterflies from their pupa
Into the winter’s day,
The day contracted by the travelling sun,
A day as short as a gasp of surprise, light barely present.
Night shades lurking silently, the curbed hours through.
When I returned home, significant time had passed
And the opalescent moon had risen majestically to court Venus.

Under the cloth, I saw the curvaceous mound of risen bread,
No stellar acolyte, but somehow
In its microcosmic way similarly beautiful.

Trudie Shannon

Good To Meat You - Edgar Allan Poet

We stop indoors my wife and I:
keep to ourselves, rarely go out.
We have no friends. We are quite shy.
Newspapers, we can do without.
But, once or twice a year, someone
arrives, by chance, and we have fun.

A man, whose car has broken down,
requiring help or telephone;
A salesman with a worried frown
who, foolishly, is on his own
and sometimes even better news:
Jehovah’s Witnesses in twos.

We fetch them in for cakes and tea
then drug them, carry them below
into our cellar, laughingly,
begin to torture them real slow.
then later on, to soothe their aches,
we chop them up for juicy steaks.

Folk always say that life’s a bitch
and then you die: we fix that bit.
We like our diet protein-rich
and human flesh, I will admit,
sliced carefully from a fresh kill,
is truly irresistible.

Edgar Allan Poet

Dietary Advice - Richard Fleming

The elephant, a hulking brute,
dines principally on greens and fruit.
He does not have a sylphlike figure,
instead keeps growing ever bigger.

The mouse, that tiny reprobate,
eats many times his body weight
yet hardly weighs a thing at all:
indeed, remains petite and small.

So, frugal eaters please take heed,
it doesn’t matter how you feed:
when you come to the feeding-trough
throw caution to the winds and scoff.

Richard Fleming

Oh Garlic! - Kathy Figueroa

Oh Garlic, of the great Allium Tribe
Bulbous root, so vibrant and exciting
You cast a magic spell that works so well
To make food delicious and inviting

Beneath that papery exterior
Is a flavourful essence, bold and true
Other seasonings seem inferior
Compared to the razzamatazz of you

Elevating plain old soup to glory!
To bread, adding a delectable glow!
Of all veggies to be acquainted with
It’s versatile you I most want to know!

You add pizzazz to all types of salads -
Potato, cruciferous, and green tossed -
With toothsomeness worthy of great ballads
You rescue appetites from being lost

You’re also useful medicinally
To keep cold and flu viruses at bay
And when garlic oil is mixed with water
It makes an effective mosquito spray

An incredible versatility
Extends beyond what could be expected:
Your antibacterial properties
Were used to keep war wounds disinfected!

Sometimes, Garlic, you receive a bad rap
“You’re much too odiferous,” some folks claim
Those who are worried about dragon breath
Should know it’s something that parsley can tame

If the thought of vampires gives folks a fright
Some legends claim garlic is protective
It’s said that a clove worn around the neck
Is a repellent that’s most effective

I’ve extolled these fine characteristics
In verses of joyous veneration
And thank you, Garlic, for your qualities
Worthy of this public adulation!

Kathy Figueroa

Oh Garlic! was published on August 10, 2017, in The Bancroft Times newspaper.

Restaurant Review - Egon Rongway

I don’t want grub served on a slate,
a bucket or a block of wood.
This sort of nonsense tends to grate.
It’s simply gimmickry with food.

Just serve the meal with less display
and please, oh please don’t cry Good choice!
or, with a flourish, bow and say
Enjoy it! in a stupid voice.

Don’t plunge in while I chat with friends,
just wait, as proper waiters do.
Inept intrusiveness offends:
no need to stick to us like glue.

You’ve overcharged us for the wine:
that’s greedy, it impairs the taste.
The main course, when it came, was fine,
the pud was served with too much haste

so you could push us out the door
to rush some other punters through
production-line style, more and more,
a hungry, never-ending queue.

I’ll go on Trip Advisor to
review your fancy restaurant
that I don’t fancy much, it’s true,
and come back, no, I surely shan’t.

Egon Rongway

Fancy Food - Joan Etoile

Does every cook want to be a celebrity?
Me, I just want a bit of tea
With no posturing or tasting menu
A plain steak please, leave out the wagyu

Why do these people crave shallow fame
Their TV faces lit by the blow torch flame?
A modus operandi that makes no sense
When using the simplest ingredients

It takes no time to make a Guernsey treat
Some crispy vraic or rabbit's feet
Do I need to be told by chef Ram-say
That my bean jar is a cassoulet?

Joan Etoile

Vegetarian - Kathy Figueroa

It's delicious
And delightful
It's nutritious
But not frightful
Because it's not filled
With blood and gore
No animals have to die
When I buy food at
The grocery store
I'm on the vegetarian diet
That includes fruit
Vegetables, nuts, and seeds
Sometimes I add
A few edible wild plants
Because wild plants
Aren't always weeds
Yes, I love vegetarian food
And have it every day
Usually, it's raw because
It tastes better that way
I make salads in minutes
With many different
Vegetables, spices, and olive oil
No longer, in the kitchen
Over a hot stove, do I toil
Recycling is a snap
The peels are just
Composted outside
Vegetarian cuisine is easy
Healthy, ecologically friendly
Makes me feel good
And best of all
No animals have died

Kathy Figueroa

“Vegetarian” was first published on March 31, 2011, in The Bancroft Times newspaper, and later in Kathy Figueroa's book, "Paudash Poems,” which was published in July, 2012.