Marry in Haste - Tony Gardner

She  met  him  on  a  Liner
On  a  Grecian  Islands  cruise
There beneath  soft,  starry  skies
And  quite  a  lot of  booze
They  fell  in  love one  evening
And  before  the  cruise was  done
The  Captain  of  the  ship had  spoke
Making  them  both  one
Back  at  home  cracks  soon  appeared
He  wanted  for  each  meal
Garlic  this  and  Garlic  that
Though  sick  it  made  her  feel
Then  they  were  both  invited
To  his  daughter  to  be fed
But  all  she  got  to  eat  there  
Garlic  chicken,  garlic  bread
She  couldn't  take  it  any  longer
Screaming,  out  the  house  she  ran
Straight  back  home,  she  couldn't  sleep  
And  the  murders  then  began.

Tony Gardner


Image : Pixabay - tigertravel

Party Tricks - Oscar Milde

At a party, met a man,
intriguing fellow, very bright,
who told me of his clever plan:
something to do with trapping light
then harnessing it, cleverly,
to create, what, I don’t recall.
It was too technical for me
but he seemed really on the ball
and promised he would let me in
on this to make a lot of dough:
five hundred smackers to begin.
I’d be a fool if I said no.
I paid up front. He smiled and said,
You’re playing with The Big Boys now.
We parted. I went home to bed
to wife and to a late-night row.
The row became a noisy brawl.
She screamed, You spent five hundred quid!
I waited weeks for him to call.
My wife was right, he never did.

Oscar Milde

Image : Pixabay - LillyCantabile

Track and Trace - Joan Etoile

I got a strange call from Track and Trace
Who said that I had been in some place
Where as far as they could reasonably tell
I'd brushed past someone with no sense of smell

I said that's lucky cos I usually whiff
Of creeping old age and a hint of Jif
I asked where and how, I pressed them too far
'Cos they decided to hide behind GDPR

"You'll need a test and will have to pay
Give us your bank details straight away"
Like Stroobs my ever-faithful cat
I began to smell a bloney big rat

I suggested they come tell me face to face
"We can't" they said, "we're Track and Trace
We don't want to be catching it too
We just need your secret PIN from you"

So I told them I hadn’t been past my gate
Since we were told to self isolate
For months I haven’t even been to Town
That was when they put the bloney receiver down!

As that nice Mr Peston says "let me be clear"
This bogus call could cost you dear
Don't be fooled into opening your purse
'Cos this cure for Corona will be much worse!

Joan Etoile

China’s Virus - Kathy Figueroa

China’s birthed another virus
A lot of people will be killed
Now it’s reached North America
Only drug companies are thrilled

It’ll thin the population
Decimate it in short order
Too bad we don’t have quarantines
Or a way to close the border

So many people are now sick
The frail and elderly will die
The government should act …and quick!
Why it hasn’t, we wonder why

Oh China, fount of strange disease
This export is one we don’t crave
Use caution not to spread it, please
Don’t send foreign folks to their grave

Kathy Figueroa

Two Things That Should Never Mix - Kathy Figueroa

He wasn’t supposed to be born that way
But it wasn’t something he could choose
You see, his mother was a party girl
And really liked the booze

So he was awash with alcohol though,
As an embryo, shouldn’t have been drinking
Now he’s got problems and owes it all
To the fact his mother wasn’t thinking

“Fetal Alcohol Syndrome” or “FAS”
Is how the condition is commonly defined
It not only affects folks physically
It also affects the mind

Poor concentration, focus that flops
Around like a flag in the wind -
Pregnant women simply shouldn’t imbibe
Or else against the unborn they’ve sinned…

…By taking away their capacity
To have lives that are happy and productive
And ensuring a host of problems that are
Socially alienating and destructive

FAS means there’s no ability to understand
That there are consequences to actions
It also often means trouble with the law
Because of negative attractions

Being naïve and malleable, never
The master of their own mind
Their only hope is for an environment
That’s protective, structured, and kind

Some brutally hard facts,
Ones which no one likes to say,
Are that the condition is preventable
…And won’t ever go away

Alcohol and pregnancy are
Two things that should never mix
Lest there be problems that doctors
And prayers simply can’t ever fix.

Kathy Figueroa