Nice Out - Joan Etoile

Do you remember ‘76?
When we were told to save all our drips
The reservoir was cracked and dry
And it was too hot for potato peel pie

I don’t remember too much fuss
The boiling sunshine didn’t worry us
All we had to do was bath with a friend
To save ourselves from a gruesome end

Cooking oil was our sunscreen
While we cooled off with Mr Whippy ice cream
No one had a hat or UV brolly
And Zoom was just another ice lolly

The weather warnings are so much tripe
How else will all my tomatoes get ripe?
Why all this panic, why all this blether?
It’s just a spot of bloney nice weather!

Then today in the Co-op I’m taken to task
By a group of children who all ask
“How can you be a climate change denier
When, like, most of France is on fire?”

Joan Etoile


Image : Pixabay - geralt

Model Behaviour - Joan Etoile

I’m at ease with nudity
I was an artist’s model in’53!
I’d disrobe without a care
And disport myself upon a chair

In creativity’s name I would undress
I felt no shame at my naked flesh
When I was rendered into paint
It often made the young boys faint

Now I’m old and a bit wrinkly
I’ve been posing for the College of FE
Just like the old days they sketched in awe
Warts and all, just what they saw

So it came as a bit of a surprise
When the thought police arrived
Invoked some archaic obscenity laws
And hid me down a corridor

Joan Etoile


Image : Guernsey Press

Baker Faker - Joan Etoile

No I did not bake that cake
It was something I didn’t make
Another elaborate culinary lie
Like the steak and kidney pie

Oh that pie was ready made
It was Bentos it was Frayed
With frozen peas and frozen mash
Ready meals are my ‘pash’

I know now it is time to confess
That the only thing I use fresh
Is sliced bread, a proper loaf
With margarine - am I an oaf?

Suit yourself with your posh grub
Please don’t take this as a foodie snub
But as you can see I’m always in the mood
For easy, tasty convenience food!

Joan Etoile


Image : Pixabay - Finn-b

Cop Show Revisited - Joan Etoile

There's always a sexual tension 
Between TV coppers on the force 
But I'm not sure that I noticed it 
Between Sergeant Lewis and Inspector Morse 

Cagney and Lacey, Starsky and Hutch 
All loved themselves far too much 
Who loves ya baby Kojak said 
Then took his lollipop off to bed 

Romantic interest Columbo lacked 
And never got to remove his mac 
Naughtiness was never allowed 
For Chiefs Ironside and McCloud 

Today though, anything goes 
In the latest TV cop shows 
No traditional heists or busts 
Just endless tales of perverted lust 

Joan Etoile

Image : Pixabay - geralt

Ratty - Joan Etoile

Oh dear, dear Ratty
Cried a distraught Toad
Why ever did you have to
Cross the road?

An electric car
The whispering death
Was the reason that you took
Your last breath

No more tales from the riverbank
Sitting under the weeping willow
Rattus in peace, old chap
On your tarmac pillow

Joan Etoile

Image : Joan Etoile

Days Pass - Joan Etoile

Measured by medications
The wheel of the pill dispenser 
Goes inexorably round
And is filled each week in a ritual
After breakfast and blood pressure testing.

To see that it’s safely down
To the recommended level.

On go my glasses as
The pills all look the same to me
There are so many to marshal 
Jumping like fish from the foil packets
Elusive under the furniture. 

Now which of them are for breakfast and
Which ones are to go with my tea?

Joan Etoile

Image : Pixabay - ID 27707

Bread & Dripping - Joan Etoile

When I was young, food was an essential not a luxury 
With Occupation memories we looked forward to our tea 
We'd quietly put away our hula hoops and stop our skipping 
Then head into the parlour for some tasty bread and dripping 

Renoir voyaged to the Isle of Guernsey in 1883 
Painting rounded nudes down beside the sea 
When he’d captured all those fleshy scenes of skinny dipping  
I imagine he’d head off home for some well-earned ... 

The intrigue of Versailles got sexed up on prime-time TV 
Imagining the shenanigans in the court of Louis X one V 
But when they finished with all that bodice-ripping 
I like to think they’d round it off with some ...

In seedy old London Town, murderers added to the degradation 
Though they perpetrated foul deeds, there’s no insinuation 
That Jack the Ripper, or notorious poisoner evil Dr Crippen 
Turned their chopped up victims into human... 

The moptop Beatles wowed the screaming 60s crowds 
With their modern look and guitars playing so loud 
I’m sure that when they weren’t gigging or day tripping 
John would make them all some lovely ... 

The film Where Eagles Dare, set in World War Two 
Features Nazis, traitors and snowy mountains too 
During the cable car scene, every time so gripping  
I find myself reaching for an extra slice of... 

Of hellraising quartet, actors Burton, Reed and Harris 
O’Toole ended up in Corsica - he’d started out in Paris 
To soak up all that booze that they’d been gulping not sipping  
I bet they still had room for a round of ...

So in these times of lockdown take heart from the above 
Use the time for reflection about all the things you love 
People, places, treasured pets and sneaky afternoon kipping 
And most of all a hearty wedge of good old bread and dripping!

Joan Etoile

Image : ©Kim Connor

Conquerers - Joan Etoile

In the game of colonial bingo
It helps to learn the lingo
And back in the Napoleonic days
I brushed up on my Norman francaise

I was ready to jump through hoops
For Emperor Boney’s troops
They never came, though later in their place
There arrived a different master race

Jawohl! zu befehl! of course mein Kommandant!
Ich lerne deutsch to know exactly what you want
Mercifully they left and after those grim days
I perfected Cockney, Strine and Guernseyaise (sic)

I believe my language skills are assez bien
Enough to fool any dictator’s men
I must now prepare for a new wind blowing in
Yes, it’s time to perfect my rusty Mandarin

It’s not easy though, the letters are strange
Right to left little boxes swarming on the page
So I’m thinking that I’ll soon be out of luck
When I offer our next masters a slice of Peking Duck

Joan Etoile

Image : Joan Etoile/Pixabay glaborde7

Invisible Enemy - Joan Etoile

In nearby trenches the enemy was real
He was over the top behind a hail of steel
Waiting with his gun and knife
And a picture of his wife

Some years later he came again
For 5 long years of death and pain
But we understood the threat back then
And countered it with brave women (and men)

That wasn’t the end of the totalitarian scare
It morphed into the Russian bear
In this cold war we cowered in our beds
Waiting to be vaporised by the Reds

Now we hide and wear a mask
Doing what the virus asks
Give up your job it’s more dangerous 
Than a charging rhinoceros

Never mind that there’s bills to be paid
Stay alone indoors and be afraid
Running blind in full retreat
This invisible enemy has us beat

Joan Etoile

Track and Trace - Joan Etoile

I got a strange call from Track and Trace
Who said that I had been in some place
Where as far as they could reasonably tell
I'd brushed past someone with no sense of smell

I said that's lucky cos I usually whiff
Of creeping old age and a hint of Jif
I asked where and how, I pressed them too far
'Cos they decided to hide behind GDPR

"You'll need a test and will have to pay
Give us your bank details straight away"
Like Stroobs my ever-faithful cat
I began to smell a bloney big rat

I suggested they come tell me face to face
"We can't" they said, "we're Track and Trace
We don't want to be catching it too
We just need your secret PIN from you"

So I told them I hadn’t been past my gate
Since we were told to self isolate
For months I haven’t even been to Town
That was when they put the bloney receiver down!

As that nice Mr Peston says "let me be clear"
This bogus call could cost you dear
Don't be fooled into opening your purse
'Cos this cure for Corona will be much worse!

Joan Etoile

Life Before Hummus - Joan Etoile

Imagine life before hummus
No olives and flatbread
No tapas or leaves
Nor ready cut veg

Fruit in their season
Then made into jam
No salami or chorizo
Just tins of spam

No more macchiatos
Back to dried tea
From India or Sri Lanka
Ceylon formerly

Tinned pineapple appeared
But just for the Queen
Mangoes and avocados
Had seldom been seen

Those were the days
When the planet was young
Was it our greed that
Made it all go wrong?

Joan Etoile

2020 Vision - Joan Etoile

Such an act of brilliant trickery
Of this tiniest island state
To elevate itself beyond pinprickery
And punch way above its weight

Because - we built the steps of cathedrals
And were visited by Saints from Rome
Our Duke controlled old Mercia
And Hugo called it home

The Führer was besotted
By the gem in the silver sea
They were our darkest hours
Until we were all set free

Great times then came upon us
Wealth that we still see
From money, fruit and flowers
All free of VAT

But now we're like dumbwalkers
Staring at our phones
We can't decide on progress
Or hiding in our homes

Once there were great leaders
Who ordered quays and reservoir
But to build the Route Militaire today
Would surely be a Bridge too far

Maybe in 2020
Our vision will be so
And we'll only vote for deputies
Who'll make this island grow

Joan Etoile

Thirsty Work - Joan Etoile

It's thirsty work this poetry
and I forgot to ask
if it was ok to take a nip
from my trusty old hip-flask

I couldn't wait for the interval
I was parched, dry as a bone
Dylan Thomas lives in me
and makes me drink alone

I'm sorry that I caused a fuss
and my drinking was not condoned
I see it was poems that they meant
when they said bring your own

Joan Etoile

Fancy Food - Joan Etoile

Does every cook want to be a celebrity?
Me, I just want a bit of tea
With no posturing or tasting menu
A plain steak please, leave out the wagyu

Why do these people crave shallow fame
Their TV faces lit by the blow torch flame?
A modus operandi that makes no sense
When using the simplest ingredients

It takes no time to make a Guernsey treat
Some crispy vraic or rabbit's feet
Do I need to be told by chef Ram-say
That my bean jar is a cassoulet?

Joan Etoile

Big Plans - Joan Etoile

I worried about my Guernsey boys
Spending so much money on new toys
With them it's all "want, want, want"
That's why they traded in their little punt
For a nice big boat without a sail
What use is that when the engine fails?

Now they've asked for their inheritance
Though they said it was only "bants"
It seems they want to extend their drive
In case more people should arrive
I said they won't come, not when they twig
That your house is not so big

But they keep going on about their plan
How they could park a bigger van
They're even paying one of their mates
To find out who offers the best rates
Well at least someone will see some lolly
From my children's stupid folly!

Joan Etoile

No Smoke Without Fire - Joan Etoile

Some people burn with indignation
While others do it without consideration
Creating bonfires almost all the time
Ignoring the wind and washing lines

Setting fire to tyres and fridges
Yes people know how to burn their bridges
With all the neighbours and other folk
They watch their friendships go up in smoke

Now deputies have got all fired up
Some want the pyromania stopped
But others want a free for all
To turn Guernsey into a fireball

To justify all this hot air
They've invented a pollution scare
The waste strategy's hidden agenda
To stop us combusting all our timber

If the amendments come into law
Let's save up all our plastic doors
To burn 'em legal on a fine weekday
This coming Easter on Good Friday!

Joan Etoile

Harbouring Doubt - Joan Etoile

There's something wrong these days with our transport links
So many cancellations and complaints it all stinks
If the Germans turned up now we wouldn't get away
We'd queue up at the harbour to find Condor was delayed

There would be widespread fear and consternation
The States would have to postpone the evacuation
Us donkeys would be condemned to Nazi rule
All because we missed the boat to Poole

As long as the tide wasn't too far down
The Germans would march right into Town
Goose stepping along our Eastern Front
Free to enslave us all they want

Maybe some of us could pose as day trippers
to make good our escape on the Commodore Clipper
While the rest of us could slip away unseen
While Jerry was searching for Pier 17...

Joan Etoile

Lifeline - Joan Etoile

The news today has bothered me
The Co-op want to close their facility
There's talk of 'contingency' and 'food security'
But what if it snows like in '63?

Their plans have filled me all with dread
I'm fearing for my Sunday spread
That's why I've got a year's supply of bread
In a freezer in my shed

My grandsons and Stroobs the cat
Won't survive on toast without fat
Nor will I, if it comes to that,
I don't want to be like Jack Spratt!

No, to keep the wolf away from the door
We'll have to call the Red Cross once more
To bring us the foodstuffs that we adore
Just like the Vega did, back in '44!

Joan Etoile

The Youth of Today - Joan Etoile

I made my eldest grandson some fairy cakes for tea
But he didn't want them, because he was high on E
The young are so ungrateful, they don't know that they're born
They've never known real hardship, or woke to a hopeless dawn

These days they're out 'til all hours - no curfew bothers them
Money is no problem, they're changing phones again
It seems they want for nothing, but are never satisfied
The attention spans of goldfish, no morals and no pride

It's a far cry from the old days, when we spoke in Patois code
We did it to fool the Germans - and the Jersey toad
Back then it was real excitement, painting secret signs
Spying on the neighbours, in case they changed sides

We lived in constant danger, there are stories to be told
To my feckless grandsons, before I get too old
I'm sure they listen really, I think there's some hope yet
'Cos I heard the youngest say he had to hide his crystal set...

Joan Etoile

Spider Season - Joan Etoile

It's the season of the spider
The crawling has begun
Navigating dewdrops, they
Journey from the Sun

They scuttle through the kitchen
Towards the Aga's warm embrace
Where Stroobs the cat is lounging
Contentment on his face

The spiders think they're safe there
And start to spin their web
But their time is borrowed
In the tabby's lair they're dead

Before they've time to scarper
He flicks them on their back
Eight legs cannot save them, as
They're eaten with an 'ack ack ack'

Joan Etoile