I Was Guilty - Rosemary Slimm

Its 11 o’clock on a December day
I’m lazing around
Drinking hot chocolate and eating crisps …and
I’ve got the light on –
Wasting the electric again!

Yes – I’ll admit it
I’m guilty.

At least I was guilty
You name it – I was guilty of it.

Guilty of being born …..
“Didn’t ask to be born”, I’d say.
Ah, but you “just came along” I’d be told.

“You caused months of morning sickness
You were a forceps birth
You needed to be bottle fed
--- and --- what a lot of work”, Mum said.

Yes – I’ll admit it
I was guilty
You name it – I was guilty of it.

Guilty when at school ……
You can’t do this
You shouldn’t do that
It would look better if you did it like this.

You have too much to say at home.
You don’t say enough when we go out to tea.
You don’t help enough in the house.
You don’t help at all in the garden.
Not enough “do’s”, far too many “don’ts”!

Oh, and, by the way, you don’t go to Church every Sunday.

Still guilty – a teenager now ……

You watch too much TV.
You eat too much chocolate, get up too late,
mess around with your hair,
put that muck on your face.
It’ll be dark in the Cellar Club anyway,
and no-one will be able to see you.

Oh, and, by the way,
Your long nails look like claws.
You wear your hair too long but
Your skirt is too short.

You are too shy in company
But silly when you’ve had a couple of Babychams!

- and so it went – on and on.

At least that’s the way it seemed on a bad day.

However ………..

I knew nothing about major, full-on guilt until –
I became a mother myself!

Then you have the guilt factor for evermore.
Whatever you do
Whatever you don’t do
Your are damned if you do
You are damned if you don’t.
“I blame the mother myself for all that trouble !”

This one’s a life sentence. I am a mother - Guilty as charged.

BUT WAIT ………

There came a time – somehow
(and hopefully it comes to us all) ……

It gradually crept upon me – I got to thinking:

OK --- so I’m guilty
Guilty of what?

Being here, alive in the world
Being me

Yes, I have faults
Yes, I fail miserably in many ways every day

BUT

Are we meant to try to be perfect?

I am unique – we are all unique
There is no-one else like me
I am a one-off
I can choose to be miserable
I can choose to feel guilty – but it really is my choice – I’ve got the power now.

Now – at last – I prefer to try to be the best I can be
I can enjoy life

I am ok
I am worthwhile
I am a little bit special …….

Life is good
And good experiences (as well as bad) are there for the taking

(they don’t always cost much money or effort).

SO

That good, quiet, passive, repressed little girl,
always apologising ---
has finally gone …….. well almost!

I’ll keep pushing the guilt cloud away when it does cloud over me (which it can still try to do, more often than it should).

But I reckon I’ve had my share !

And what’s wrong with a little bit of naughtiness anyway?

I’ll drink to that !!

Rosemary Slimm