I Can't Bear Grylls - Bryony de Lat

Several years ago now, I'm not sure when, exactly
my husband's choice of TV programmes drastically changed
instead of the plethora of war films and sport
he's only watching one thing now, he's completely deranged.

It's Bear Grylls, countless programmes, a new 12 part series
and there's the old repeats on Dave and Shed
he's already got two essential box sets
and he's sent for more, he's well off his head.

One man's lifestyle has become his religion
he's actually jogging now in the hall, pathetic
in a BG onesie, and he's trying press-ups
it's dangerous, he was never at all athletic.

Blitzed his wardrobe, thrown out bright-coloured clothes
smart shirts, posh trousers, even his dressing gown
now he orders from the BG Blog and Army surplus
everything's 'camo', slime green, or excrement brown.

He's obsessed with making life more difficult
sneakily adding elements of danger, or luck
the other day he attempted an emergency exit
broke the Toilet window, and got himself stuck.

One morning, last Winter, our drive was really icy
but in his 'special' snow boots, he had to go out
he slipped, and impaled himself, on his prickly roses
a teenage neighbour rescued him, an actual Boy Scout.

Now he's started cooking vegetable peelings
and grubs around in the garden for roots and stuff
he tried sleeping in the shed, but a "huge" spider attacked him
so he's got a tent, for the garden, "gonna sleep rough".

His ambition is to survive on a desert island
he fantasizes about being shipwrecked, it's sad, I know
of course, in reality, he hasn't got the balls
but I won't discourage him, I'd help him go.

Bryony de Lat